This post is inspired by a few blogs I have read lately about depression. I have suffered depression since I was in my early teens. My issues are not something that is easy for me to talk about at all, but I want you to know that, if you are feeling down, depressed or suicidal, you are not alone in this world.
When I was a child I had a mother who was fighting her own demons. She brought bad people and dangerous situations around her children and she abused drugs. She didn’t put my brother or me first and she didn’t put us in a safe environment. Because of this, I was sexually abused and my brother was physically abused. I was too young to understand a lot of what was happening around me, but looking back now and knowing what I know, I suspect she was a prostitute – having sex with men for drugs and money.
As a child I saw things I shouldn’t have. I vividly remember, when I was eight years old, seeing my mum lying on her bed. Dead after a heroin overdose.
After everything I had seen and experienced, I shut a lot out. I’m still trying to fill the gaps missing in my childhood that I have no recollection of (presumably due to some kind of abusive trauma my mind has blocked out). I have anger issues that I am trying to deal with (how could a mother subject her children to such things? Why were drugs more important than her children’s’ wellbeing?).
I went buck wild as a teenager. I had zero respect for myself or anyone else. I had a lot of sex and I don’t even remember the names of many of them. I drank a lot of alcohol just to escape the way I was feeling. Even I, who was staunchly anti-drugs, was considering going down that dark path. In just over a year I spent almost $17,000, my entire savings, mostly on alcohol and going out. I just didn’t care anymore if I lived or died. I took crazy, stupid risks and I’m honestly lucky to even be here today.
I suffered from severe depression, and sometimes it comes back with a vengeance no matter how different my life is now. I used to imagine and fantasise about killing myself – ways to just stop the pain. I self-harmed and shut myself out from everybody. Falling pregnant with my first daughter was the slap in the face I needed – I was determined to be a good mum, the mum I never had.
Although I am now happily engaged with two beautiful daughters, it doesn’t stop the depression from rearing its ugly head. I think this is something that will always be with me; all I can do is find ways to cope with it, along with my anger. My partner, Michael helps me a lot and I am making plans to see a psychologist about dealing with- and moving on from- my childhood trauma. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about the way I was feeling – I kept it all inside and it just got so much worse. Before l posted this online, Michael was the only person I had talked to about my childhood. Now I am opening up this Pandora’s Box of emotions and painful memories for the world to see. It’s not easy, but writing this is oddly therapeutic, and hopefully it will also be helpful for you, reading it.
To the people who inspired this post, don’t ever feel like you can’t talk to somebody about the way you’re feeling. It’s okay to ask for help and to admit you’re not coping. Whether you’ve been through sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal or emotional abuse; whether you’ve been ostracised, , bullied or told you’re not good enough; or whether life is overwhelming and getting you down – seek help. It doesn’t make you weak; it honestly does make you stronger. You are not alone. TALKING about depression is so important – don’t let it be a silent killer.