It’s difficult to talk about, but we need to.

This post is inspired by a few blogs I have read lately about depression. I have suffered depression since I was in my early teens. My issues are not something that is easy for me to talk about at all, but I want you to know that, if you are feeling down, depressed or suicidal, you are not alone in this world.

When I was a child I had a mother who was fighting her own demons. She brought bad people and dangerous situations around her children and she abused drugs.  She didn’t put my brother or me first and she didn’t put us in a safe environment. Because of this, I was sexually abused and my brother was physically abused. I was too young to understand a lot of what was happening around me, but looking back now and knowing what I know, I suspect she was a prostitute – having sex with men for drugs and money.

As a child I saw things I shouldn’t have. I vividly remember, when I was eight years old, seeing my mum lying on her bed. Dead after a heroin overdose.

After everything I had seen and experienced, I shut a lot out. I’m still trying to fill the gaps missing in my childhood that I have no recollection of (presumably due to some kind of abusive trauma my mind has blocked out). I have anger issues that I am trying to deal with (how could a mother subject her children to such things? Why were drugs more important than her children’s’ wellbeing?).

I went buck wild as a teenager. I had zero respect for myself or anyone else. I had a lot of sex and I don’t even remember the names of many of them. I drank a lot of alcohol just to escape the way I was feeling. Even I, who was staunchly anti-drugs, was considering going down that dark path. In just over a year I spent almost $17,000, my entire savings, mostly on alcohol and going out. I just didn’t care anymore if I lived or died. I took crazy, stupid risks and I’m honestly lucky to even be here today.

I suffered from severe depression, and sometimes it comes back with a vengeance no matter how different my life is now. I used to imagine and fantasise about killing myself – ways to just stop the pain. I self-harmed and shut myself out from everybody. Falling pregnant with my first daughter was the slap in the face I needed – I was determined to be a good mum, the mum I never had.

Although I am now happily engaged with two beautiful daughters, it doesn’t stop the depression from rearing its ugly head. I think this is something that will always be with me; all I can do is find ways to cope with it, along with my anger. My partner, Michael helps me a lot and I am making plans to see a psychologist about dealing with- and moving on from- my childhood trauma. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about the way I was feeling – I kept it all inside and it just got so much worse. Before l posted this online, Michael was the only person I had talked to about my childhood. Now I am opening up this Pandora’s Box of emotions and painful memories for the world to see. It’s not easy, but writing this is oddly therapeutic, and hopefully it will also be helpful for you, reading it.

To the people who inspired this post, don’t ever feel like you can’t talk to somebody about the way you’re feeling. It’s okay to ask for help and to admit you’re not coping. Whether you’ve been through sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal or emotional abuse; whether you’ve been ostracised, , bullied or told you’re not good enough; or whether life is overwhelming and getting you down – seek help. It doesn’t make you weak; it honestly does make you stronger. You are not alone. TALKING about depression is so important – don’t let it be a silent killer.


Band Name Challenge

Let’s play a game. Write a band name for each letter of your name (or username). I wonder how many people have the same taste in music as me?

Iron Maiden

Stone Temple Pilots
Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Avenged Sevenfold

Alice In Chains

That was actually harder than I thought. Names of terrible bands kept popping into my head, but I wanted to put ones I actually liked. Some of these I’m not a huge fan of, like Nirvana or Alice In Chains, but they’re the best I could think of. Also, if you’ve never listened to these bands before – do it. Most of them are classics (and then there’s Avenged Sevenfold that rip off the classics, but who I like anyway haha).

Who else dares take the band name challenge? And put your music taste out there to be judged by everyone else 😛

The Real Meaning of YOLO

The life I live is far from glamourous.

I don’t:

*Go out for exotic cocktails with the girls,
*Eat expensive food with French names I can’t pronounce,
*Buy hundreds of dollars worth of designer clothes on maxed out credit cards,
*Have a bursting diary full of social events,
*Have constant messages or calls to my phone, or,
*Go to the opening of every new, trendy nightclub.

I do, however:

*Try to get the washing off the clothes line before the storm clouds roll in,
*Have to remind my 3 year old when it’s ‘toilet time’,
*Compare the price/value/quality of brand names vs. home brand groceries,
*Get embarrassingly excited when The Bold and the Beautiful comes on tv,
*Deal with poo nappies and the occasional milky vomit,
*Relax at the end of the night with a hot cup of tea and a novel or drawing pad – even on a saturday night.

Although my life may seem boring and predictable to some, it’s perfect to me. Some people like to live life fast and burn out quickly -and I’ll admit that was me when I was a teenager – but now that I’m older and wiser (and engaged with two children), I would much rather live life slowly and comfortably and hopefully be on this earth long enough to experience my children grow up, marry and have their own children, if that’s what they want.
There is no rush in life. If we’re lucky we are around for a long time so why no sit back and enjoy the small things; experience those special moments that may seen insignificant and trivial at the time, but which you’ll look back on in the future and cherish. I’m taking life as it comes – enoying the now yet still looking forward to the future. I have plans of eventually studying and doing volunteer work and (hopefully) embarking on my own small business adventures when both the girls are older, and I’m excited for it.
But right now I’m enjoying seeing my girls grow (it happens way too quickly), spending lots of time with my amazing partner, Michael, and living the life of a regular housewife – minus the glitz and glam of the women of Desperate Housewives (surely there aren’t actually mums who have the time and energy to do their hair and makeup immaculately while also keeping a pristine home AND working WITH children underfoot?!).
So today as I write this post, I sit in my ‘comfies’ (extremely daggy clohes I wouldn’t be caught dead in outside the comfort of my own home), drinking my sweet, milky tea and thinking of what tomorrow will bring. Surely a tantrum or two, maybe a wet bed or an exploding nappy, and maybe even some burnt cookies/chicken/cupcakes I’ve left and forgotten about in the oven (again). But I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way, because even when it gets incredibly tough and overwhelming (and believe me, it does), Michael and my girls get me through every day, and I go to bed smiling.
You Only Live Once. Don’t use YOLO as an excuse to get wasted every night and sleep with anyone you meet, but instead use it as inspiration to achieve your goals, to enjoy the people in your life, to help others and to make the world a better place. It is true you only live once, but you also only die once, so live a life you and your family will be proud of and don’t waste the amazing opportunity that is life.