It’s difficult to talk about, but we need to.

This post is inspired by a few blogs I have read lately about depression. I have suffered depression since I was in my early teens. My issues are not something that is easy for me to talk about at all, but I want you to know that, if you are feeling down, depressed or suicidal, you are not alone in this world.

When I was a child I had a mother who was fighting her own demons. She brought bad people and dangerous situations around her children and she abused drugs.  She didn’t put my brother or me first and she didn’t put us in a safe environment. Because of this, I was sexually abused and my brother was physically abused. I was too young to understand a lot of what was happening around me, but looking back now and knowing what I know, I suspect she was a prostitute – having sex with men for drugs and money.

As a child I saw things I shouldn’t have. I vividly remember, when I was eight years old, seeing my mum lying on her bed. Dead after a heroin overdose.

After everything I had seen and experienced, I shut a lot out. I’m still trying to fill the gaps missing in my childhood that I have no recollection of (presumably due to some kind of abusive trauma my mind has blocked out). I have anger issues that I am trying to deal with (how could a mother subject her children to such things? Why were drugs more important than her children’s’ wellbeing?).

I went buck wild as a teenager. I had zero respect for myself or anyone else. I had a lot of sex and I don’t even remember the names of many of them. I drank a lot of alcohol just to escape the way I was feeling. Even I, who was staunchly anti-drugs, was considering going down that dark path. In just over a year I spent almost $17,000, my entire savings, mostly on alcohol and going out. I just didn’t care anymore if I lived or died. I took crazy, stupid risks and I’m honestly lucky to even be here today.

I suffered from severe depression, and sometimes it comes back with a vengeance no matter how different my life is now. I used to imagine and fantasise about killing myself – ways to just stop the pain. I self-harmed and shut myself out from everybody. Falling pregnant with my first daughter was the slap in the face I needed – I was determined to be a good mum, the mum I never had.

Although I am now happily engaged with two beautiful daughters, it doesn’t stop the depression from rearing its ugly head. I think this is something that will always be with me; all I can do is find ways to cope with it, along with my anger. My partner, Michael helps me a lot and I am making plans to see a psychologist about dealing with- and moving on from- my childhood trauma. I never felt like I could talk to anyone about the way I was feeling – I kept it all inside and it just got so much worse. Before l posted this online, Michael was the only person I had talked to about my childhood. Now I am opening up this Pandora’s Box of emotions and painful memories for the world to see. It’s not easy, but writing this is oddly therapeutic, and hopefully it will also be helpful for you, reading it.

To the people who inspired this post, don’t ever feel like you can’t talk to somebody about the way you’re feeling. It’s okay to ask for help and to admit you’re not coping. Whether you’ve been through sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal or emotional abuse; whether you’ve been ostracised, , bullied or told you’re not good enough; or whether life is overwhelming and getting you down – seek help. It doesn’t make you weak; it honestly does make you stronger. You are not alone. TALKING about depression is so important – don’t let it be a silent killer.

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14 thoughts on “It’s difficult to talk about, but we need to.

  1. Your a bad ass person and a insperation to me 🙂 keep up the good fight never be afraid to go with your gut feeling and remember the only fight you loose is the one you stop fighting thanks for opening up to all of us your braver than most kangaroo rider 🙂 … the Asshole Texan

  2. Hi … just saw you at a blog party and am now following you … in a good way I hasten to add!
    Winston Churchill referred to his bouts of depression as his Black Dog. He used to try painting and bricklaying when he felt really bad. Take care. All the best.
    Kris

  3. My heart goes out for you for what you have had to deal with in your life. Your brutal honesty must be very cathartic for you. The message that you are not alone and that there is help available is so important. Your goal of being a good mom is something that might really inspire you to do everything you can to deal with the demons. i hope you will follow through with seeing a psychotherapist. I expect that would really help in getting things in perspective and helping you to deal with it. I will be praying for you.

    • Thank you so much for your comment, it really does mean a lot to me. I’m working towards where I need to be, and that’s all we can do – keep trying no matter how hard it gets.

  4. Pingback: Five New Blogs That Inspire Me to Create | Blue Car Painted Green

  5. Im so sorry to hear you had such a hard life, and experienced things kids should never experience. But im glad to see you menage to rise above all bad things and make better future for your self. You are very strong person, and i admire your curage. Keep doing your best , and be proud of your self,dont look in past because there is nothing we can do about it, instead look forward because about future we can do many things .. 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your comment! It really means a lot to me. I don’t claim to have all the answers or to really have dealt with all my issues, but life is just putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward. Thanks again 🙂

  6. The best comment I heard right after the beloved Robin Williams took his own life was “if you’re depressed, talk to someone” i think Jinny Kimmel tweeted that. I’m very glad you posted this and was very moved by it. You give wise and inspirational advice. Keep up the good work. (I dug the Flying V too)

    • So many people suffer depression but they don’t need to suffer alone. I was so very sad when Robin Williams took his own life – he was such a comedic genius, it’s sad that he hid his sadness behind his smile. Thanks so much for your comment.

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